I’ve Never…

I’ve never.

I’ve never waited on a phone call like this.

I’ve never not been able to touch or see someone I love.

I’ve never been so angry that I didn’t see or touch someone I loved to protect them from the very thing that still harmed them.

I’ve never not been able to sleep because of a guilt like this; because I can breathe and she can’t.

I’ve never felt so helpless.

I’ve never felt like the book is over but the last chapter keeps going.

I’ve never felt emotions of a flood and of a drought at the same time.

I’ve never asked myself questions pertaining to someone’s life and how maybe if I had done something differently we may be facing a different outcome.

I’ve never questioned if Jesus is waiting for her.

I’ve never wondered if our family would welcome her in.

I’ve never thought twice about the fact that she is in a better place than we are.

I’ve never had to doubt that the presence of Jesus is in her room.

I’ve never had to question her salvation.

I’ve never had to ponder where she would spend eternity.

I’ve never understood this journey that my Nanny has had to go through.

BUT I’ve never doubted that God formed us in our mothers womb and he knew the entirety of our Earthly lives even then.

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